As I look at the ticker above I see that we are fast approaching the one year anniversary of our departure from our beloved Ecuador. I can't believe it has been a whole year! At times it seems like it was just yesterday and other times it feels like the place never really existed. It's another part of balance that I'm not coping particularly well with.

I'm finding it difficult to keep both parts of my life on some kind of equal level. There are days when I really miss Ecuador and my special friendships there and then there are days when I actually enjoy living in NZ. But when I feel happy to be here I feel as though I am betraying the love and care of those I have left so far away. I find it tough to keep memories and my life now all together in my brain. Most of the time I seem to push one to the side and try to concentrate on the other. At the moment I am trying so hard to keep it together here in NZ that Ecuador hardly features at all and then when I think I am doing well something reminds me of all that I have lost and I lose it completely. I try not to allow myself to grieve or remember as it is so painful and I feel as though I can't keep doing a good job pretending that all is okay here. Does that even make sense? I have so many emails from my friends in Ecuador and I haven't responded to them in months. I feel terrible about it and it makes me feel worse but how do I explain to them the inner battle that I have everytime I remember them? I long so much to just talk to them but even thinking about calling them makes me run for the bed covers and hide. Nige has spoken to them a couple of times and I have been secretly glad that I was out when he did so I didn't have to speak to them myself. Doesn't that sound horrible!What I really want is just to see them and hug them, to take them out for coffee and dessert or empanadas, to just hang with them but that's not possible and that's what hurts.

The other day in church the woman who prayed for us looked at me and said that she could sense that I had deep grief which I wasn't allowing out. How true was that! I hold it all in to protect myself and my family. I hold it in so that I can be strong for everyone else in my family who is falling apart. I have to be the strong one. I have to be the one they can rely on and turn to when everything else turns to custard. I know that one day I won't be able to hold on any longer. One day it will all just fall out of me and I will finally get to grieve for my heartland. I'm scared that once I start I will never stop crying.

I guess I had better stop here. My eyes are moistening up and I still have emails to answer. I think we might just have to do something special together as a family on the 12th August to remember and celebrate our Ecuadorian-ness. Perhaps I should go hunting for plantain and make Caldo de bolas. Que Rico!!!