I'm struggling with Church.

It's not that I don't believe in it it's just that I don't like what it has become. To be honest we haven't really been much this past school term. In fact I could probably count the number of times I've attended since August on just one hand. I haven't been going to my women's bible study either mainly due to work pressures and family stuff.

We have been attending the same church all year. The boys love it and I guess I realised on Sunday that we need to keep going for them. The friends that they have made and the good influence of their leaders are what they need in their wee lives. But what's in it for me? I looked aound on Sunday and thought about the sturcture of the service. Why do a bunch of people, who don't really know each other, stand and sing together? The whole singing thing just seems wierd. The performing aspect of worship leaders and musicians drives me nuts. I feel like I'm in school when someone stands at the front and lectures me. I've sat through many a sermon in my life and many a service and they just all seem to be missing the mark. Not that it's about me! I know that but I'm feeing isolated and foreign in my worship.

People who I have been talking to regularly this year or I have prayed with don't remember me the next week. No one has called me to say "where have you been? How are things going?" Do they assume I'm ok because I'm a missionary? They shouldn't, 'cos I'm not.

I fully believe in the community of God's people. I guess, for me, that's my work community. We have devotions every moning, sing together (at least here it makes sense), and pray for one another. We have shared communion, tears and joys and it's far more meaningful to me than the big church thing. I don't know what we are going to do next year. Unfortunately Nigel feels much the same so that doesn't help things. I guess we'll think and pray about it over the Christmas break and see where the Lord is leading us. It's a tough one.